Parenting & Divorce Communication Skills

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Things that will make life a lot easier for your child, and yourself- reduce anxiety/  structure and scheduling.  First- get your divorce decree and read visitation schedule, child support and all of that.

 1) Planning and a calendar: Get a small Monthly White Board with a magnet he can keep on the fridge.

Office Depot has them- about 14" across or so.

 Each month sit down and have him draw some pictures on the top and write the month, special birthdays or activities.

Not too much though.

The main thing at his age is to see when he is at moms, and when He is at Dad's.

We wrote a Big D  or a Big M on the weekend so our daughter knew where she was each weekend.

 The more structured the visitations, the more stability and less anxiety for your son.

The more he is seen by both each day, the more chaos to his mind.

 2) More separate visitation times; less confusion: Each parent can find friends and babysitters during their own visitation times. Try not to alter or swap weekends unless really important, maybe twice a year, for a special family event or something with outside relatives.  All the relatives on each side of his family can respect and visit within that parent's visitation schedule. No discussing or talking need to be done by you and his Mom.  Just regular when to pick up and drop off stuff, and medical and school info, discipline and parenting agreements etc.

 If at anytime you feel your son is at risk- you must go get him. Talk to an Attorney.

Otherwise the Judge will say"You must not have felt he was at risk, or else why would you let him keep going over there?" etc  Use common sense.

 3).  Parents have to be consistent- Can't let him go to one after the other already said yes or no.

If you tell him no, and he goes to his Mom. Even if she won't do anything,Ron, you can still discipline your son when he gets home for going against you. There are reasonable and positive ways to reinforce the guidelines to your home. He will learn real quick that he had better not go to Mom,'cuz he will already KNOW in advance what the consequence will be. Therefore helearns to choose and learn from his actions.

With or without his Mom's support.

 TWO BOOKS: These type of positive Parenting skills are outlined in two great books. If you only had these two books- that is enough to cover most anything!!!   IT takes a few months or more to learn and practice, but the results happen pretty quick. They get uglier at first at change, but when there griping doesn't work, and you follow through- they get much happier and can enjoy life really quickly!!!! The payoff is GREAT!!!

 "Good Behavior" By Stan Gerber 

 and S.T.E.P.- Systemic Training Effective Parenting- used to be at Dalton Bookstore inthe Malls.

Or Get it ordered at Barnes and Noble. There are a few- you can get the one for young children and for teens. These are great guidelines for how to talk and get along with all people, not just our kids.

4) Communication Skills:

I would strongly recommend some Al-anon meetings and books so you can remember how to detach, take care of yourself first, and not try to get everyone to do things the way you think is right, or know is right. We can't make other people see their wrongs and do the right things.  =(

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, and on a date are good basic relationship and communication skills.

Basic communication skills:

Active Listening Skills:

1)Good eye contact

2)Totally focus on what the other person is saying whether you agree or not. You are just listening.\

When she is done then:

You say" Let me see if I understand you correctly" You feel that when.....

Take something she says, and repeat it back to her in a sentence.  "Is this correct?"

and she will say' yes, or no or whatever. If she says no, then ask her to explain again, Then try to repeat it back.

You are showing the other person that you understand what they are saying.

The next step is then to proceed in answering back with what you want to feel...and so on.

She will feel fabulous that at least you understood her, whether you agree or not.

That is real basic.

Do it with your son and your kids too. Get down on your knees to his eye level.

Respect him as the individual he is of equal worth. Not just your kid. Rather Heavenly Father's Kid who He gave you to take care of for a while.

Problem and conflict solving- going to have to get some books for that.

A good counselor can teach these basic skills.

When you go to counseling for yourself, your son, or a situation, have a list of concerns.

Behaviors, specific events and situations, things you have tried etc.

Then the counselor can give you specific things to try and see how it works until you finally find something that helps. And so on and so on.

Don't just go for an hour, and no progress gets made.

You need homework assignments  "outcome based therapy" with results.

Son's behavior: Positive reinforcement. Earning good things from good behavior.

1) Food, diet, nutrition, supplements. meds

MAKE SURE HE GETS LOTS OF SLEEP- at least 10 hours. That will make a huge difference.

2) Exercise level

3) Keep very busy in sports, or activities even at home

4) Structured home environment: Bedtime, Chores, etc

Charts are great for chores, behavior modification, etc. They can earn little rewards and privileges, and then build up to earn a big prize! Monetary and non-monetary. Sometimes extra play time, or catch with Dad does wonders for rewards they earn.

5) Alarm clock so he can be independent

6) Have him pick out his clothes the night before and pack a lunch

7) No TV or computer on school mornings

8)Watch the type of friends he hangs around- keep him away from troublemakers etc

9) Screen the TV, movies and video games- watch the violent ones. No PG-13 and VERY Picky about PG at his age. No Teen rated Video games, or any that is aggressive. He needs a break and can see more of those as he gets older

10) Don't be too controlling. Too strict about church, and stuff will make him HATE church and resent you.Let him take some coloring books and activity books to Sacrament so at least he'll go and hear, and not HATE sitting there bored stiff. I learned that the hard way with my son.  =)

11) Make sure he gets involved in Scouts and Stays in Scouts. There is something fun for every boy- just got to find the things he likes.

12) When my kids got behavior problems, we just totally backed off and let them have a break for a while. Then we started out slow again after a few weeks. They do better when left alone to the bare basics sometimes.

13) Say 9 good things to each negative thing we say.

For example: Instead of saying "NO- Don't run your truck on the table" Say "Here, you can run your truck outside or on the floor- the table is not for running trucks on". Then if they do it again, then go into you will take it away for 30 minutes, etc. Increase time each time, or take away for a day. Leave yourself some leeway.

Let him decorate his room. Take him to Home Depot and pick out some COOL Wallpaper border.

They have jingles, motorcycles, Planets, anything you can think of.

Go to Wal-Mart and let him pick out a poster for his room and a neat calendar for his wall.

Get some fun bathroom shower curtains, rugs, and toothbrush holders. They have all sorts of cool things that don't cost that much. Find something that has his name on it- hand stuff, get a book shelf and buy him LOTS of great books!!!

OK- Hope this helps!

 -Amy  =)